Erika Alsborn
Erika Alsborn is a sex and birth coach who helps women connect with and reclaim their sexual confidence and sensual power. She believes pleasure is a human right.
Here she answers the Mama Sex Six:
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?
Natural.
That’s the very first thing I thought. But it didn’t use to be. I’ve had to work through limiting beliefs, societal conditioning and my own insecurities to reach a place where I feel motherhood and sexuality go together naturally. Sex makes babies. And after baby making and birth, sex is still important. It’s still part of us. It’s still fun. It’s still natural. It’s still important. I would even argue that it’s even more important. As mothers we give so much of ourselves to our children and families - we literally give our bodies to our babies. It’s such a blessing, but it can also feel like a curse - like we lose the autonomy of our bodies to our babies and children. We’re so emotionally invested in the survival and thriving of our children, that it can feel like we deplete ourselves and our own energy.
The most effective way to fill up with energy and feel connected with yourself as you give so much to other beings is through PLEASURE! Sex and intimacy with yourself and with your partner. It’s also important to know, that sex gets better as we age, if we practice it and maintain our sexual connection with ourselves. A woman’s sexual prime is in her 60’s. Doesn’t that bring a wonderful sense of HOPE?!
What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?
My own journey through pregnancy, childbirth and becoming a mother.
When I was pregnant I did deep work within myself to rewrite the story that giving birth and entering motherhood would mean that I would say goodbye to my sexual identity.
I did a very in-depth and honest belief inventory to identify the belief systems I was operating from in terms of motherhood and sexuality and encountered so many limiting beliefs. So little by little, I took inspired action to change those beliefs and creating a positive environment internally and externally that would allow my sexuality to continue to evolve and thrive even as I was becoming a mother.
Which meant, I embraced my sexuality with full acceptance and honor. I used sex and pleasure to prepare for my birth. Through this preparation I realised how naturally connected sex, pleasure, pregnancy and motherhood are, and so staying sexual after giving birth felt easy. I had released the negative beliefs and I had worked with my body so intimately that I didn’t experience a disconnection to my sexuality due to the pregnancy and giving birth.
I also see how much suffering the disconnection creates - for mothers and couples. We could avoid so much of that suffering plus save so many relationship/marriages if we people had these tools and this understanding and support to maintain a healthy sexual relationship through this massive life transition.
In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?
I think mindset and societal/religious conditioning. Lack of positive role models, absence of sex-positive sex education. All the negative ideas, beliefs and conditioning that you carry inside will be amplified when you enter motherhood and go through such a radical identity shift. For example, that your vagina is destroyed by vaginal birth. That sex will never feel the same after a vaginal birth. That you’re not sexually attractive as your body shifts and changes and matures during pregnancy and after birth. That only young, skinny people have great sex. That you’re now just a mother with no needs or desires of your own.
Most women don’t even know that they have all of these negative beliefs embedded deep within their psyche and body. And that’s the biggest challenge – to identify that and working on shifting that and creating a new narrative that feels true and authentic to your own values and how you want to live your life.
In my coaching work with women, the first important step is to identify what that individual’s desire is. Most people don’t even know what they want, so getting clarity on this can lead to a huge internal shift. Alternatively, many people know what they DON’T want, but focusing on the “negative” desire won’t get you anywhere, that only keeps you stuck in the obstacles, fears or resistance. Once a clear desire has been identified, I walk my clients through a transformational journey where we work to get the mind and body onboard for what they desire to create.
I partner with the client in a loving, compassionate and supportive way, where they are given the opportunity to find their truth within themselves. In the conscious coaching container we work with the qualities of self-love, healing, integration and self-realization so they can achieve their goals and desires. Working with powerful embodiment practices, enables the client to build a strong foundation of connection with and celebration of their body, so that their pleasure and sexuality can blossom and thrive little by little, step by step.
What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?
The idea, that is reinforced implicitly and explicitly, that you cannot be a good mother and fiercely sexual at the same time – that is not true. We don’t have to choose between them. Unfortunately, many women, unconsciously choose motherhood and let their sexual identity die. Until they get divorced 10-15 years later and their sexuality resurrects. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Society is getting sex wrong, in general. There is this fake sex-positivity in the west - but it’s still super controlling. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?
TWO MAJOR PIECES OF ADViCE!
One
You deserve pleasure. Pleasure will make you happier, make you more generous, will enrich your life and make you a better woman.
Sex is for YOU! Not for your partner/husband. I encourage mother to fully adopt the belief system that sex is for YOU.
It’s not something you “give” your man/partner or do “for” him/them. It’s for you! You have sex because it makes you feel fucking good.
It’s so important to constantly work on this belief system but the societal conditioning runs so incredibly that it constantly shows up as negative thoughts.
I’m sure everyone can relate: After a long day of living, working, mothering, child-rearing etc etc sometimes I find myself thinking “I’m not in the mood” or “Yet another thing I have to” - I quickly catch those lies in my mind and tell them to go fuck themselves. It’s not true.
What’s great after a long day? SEX.
What makes me feel better always? SEX.
If you don’t fully believe that you’re having sex for your own good, you could have sex to please your partner and slowly build a bitter core of resentment inside yourself.
Coming from the place that sex is truly for you and that it deeply benefits and nourishes you will help you stay positive towards to sex which makes it easier to be turned on and to feel like doing it (even when you don’t 100% feel like it but you know that will get into if you just trust and give it try – kinda like going to the gym, you never really feel like it, but you know it’s good for you, so you go, and then afterward you feel GREAT). AND to identify when you’re truly not in the mood, and you can honor your no.
TWO!
Also, touch yourself! Pleasure yourself. You have to accept that you’re responsible for turning yourself on.
It’s NOT your partner’s responsibility to turn you on. It’s yours. Getting turned on doesn’t start just before you’re about to have sex, it’s something you cultivate every day.
It’s a conscious focus, the way you look at and sexually objectify your husband (and other attractive people), and how you think about sex daily.
Of course, what your partner does matters, but if you’re not already at a mental simmer of turn-on it’s impossible for your partner to get you there.
The responsibility is YOUR OWN, and through that ownership of your turn-on comes empowerment and inspired action.
It also removes a subtle sense of victimhood - especially for heterosexual women - your sexuality and turn-on are YOURS, you don’t need a man to save you or turn you on.
Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?
Jenny Tamas @thejennytamas
Amber Rose @@amberrose
Moonandcheeze @moonandcheeze
Asabea @asabea
Channelsaliee
Mswrightsway @mswrightsway
Services Erika Offers:
Erika offers online 1:1 coaching, group programs and courses for women all over the world.
Connect with her via her beautiful Instagram and her sensual newsletter to stay updated on all the amazing things she does.
IG: erikaalsborn
FB group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/plsrebels
