Insight and Connection: Catherine Topham Sly
Catherine Topham Sly is a BCAP accredited counsellor, writer, and speaker who specialises in relationships, and particularly the challenges of staying connected with your partner while raising a family together.
Here she answers the Mama Sex Six:
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?
The first thing that comes to mind when I hear the phrase “mama sex” is how much more women’s lives and roles change when we become parents than men’s, and therefore how much work we still have to do. Before we have children, most of us are living quite equal lives with our partners. Most couples are both working, earning, more or less sharing the domestic load, and having time to ourselves to meet our own needs, including our need to let loose and have fun. And then when children come along, in most straight couples her life changes much more than his. Our society’s expectations of a mother are that she will give and give. We expect mothers to be dutiful, and duty and lustfulness don’t really mix. “Mama sex” sounds almost like an oxymoron. Women for the most part take on the lion’s share of the responsibility for the children and home, so they often take on the role of the steady, dependable and responsible one,
Good sex is all about play, surrender, being in our bodies, feeling alive, pleasure for pleasure’s sake. It’s not easy to do a complete 180 from being the person who provides routine, structure and consistency for the children to letting go, opening up, and leaning into the vulnerability we need for truly satisfying, connecting sex.
What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?
I had an amazing experience of couples counselling when I was in my twenties which inspired me to become a relationship therapist.
I have a taboo-busting streak in me, so I’m really drawn to unspoken topics. And when I became a parent I found there was this huge cultural silence around the impact of parenthood on couple relationships. Before we settle down we talk about our sex lives loads, but later down the line - when we’re trying to make long-term relationships last and we could really benefit from more open conversation about sex - everyone goes quiet.
In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?
The biggest hurdle I see mothers facing in terms of their sexuality is a lack of understanding of how desire and arousal happen in long-term relationships. Many women think of themselves as having little desire for sex, when what’s actually happening is that they and their partners are are not creating the conditions they need in order to feel aroused.
Outside the bedroom, they need to take care of themselves and their relationships. They need time to themselves, to do things that make them feel like themselves again. They need a loving, respectful connection with their partners (which comes from the basics like having good manners, conversation with eye contact every day, and quality time together).
Inside the bedroom, most women need a good 20-30 minutes of some combination of holding, talking, and kissing before they start to want sex. Our culture presents spontaneous sexual desire as the norm, when most women’s experience, particularly in long-term relationships, is that desire happens responsively (when things they find sexy are already happening).
Really what all of this amounts to is that the biggest hurdle mothers are facing is not getting their needs met - sometimes through not knowing exactly what those needs are, and sometimes through neglecting to assert them, because they’ve been socialised to give not take.
What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?
Our society has become so child-focused, mothers are feeling an enormous pressure to give their children so much, often to the detriment of their own wellbeing. This has a huge impact on women’s sexuality.
Our society has normalised mothers' extended fatigue, resentment, and even rage. Many women have lost touch with their intuition, and are not paying attention to their emotions and what they have to tell them about their needs.
And the idea that it’s normal for parenthood to kill our sex lives has taken hold, meaning many mothers think “this is just how it is” :(
What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?
Having a satisfying erotic life is about way more than what happens in the bedroom. It starts with getting to a place where you believe that you are worthy of pleasure. Pleasure is a big part of how we recharge, so it’s vital that we take time to do things that bring us pleasure often. (Every day!)
Educate yourself and your partner about women’s anatomy and sexuality. Most of us find talking about sex uncomfortable, but we have to lean into discomfort and vulnerability sometimes if we want deeply satisfying relationships.
There will likely be times when you are exhausted and find your partner’s desire for you irritating. Don’t let this become a habit. Know that your partner’s desire for sex is also a desire for closeness with you. Let yourself be desired, and let your desire grow out of that.
Your children are amazing, but remember that you need adult relationships to make you feel special, like you matter, and less alone in the world.
Ask for what you need in order to have sex that is as pleasurable for you as it is for your partner. That will probably look like taking time to get warmed up, and making sure the clitoris gets as much attention as the penis.
Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?
@thesexdoctor
@mixing.up.motherhood
@laura_aziz_
@thewomen_hood
Catherine Topham Sly offers the following services:
I’m available for counselling for individuals and couples, and relationships after kids coaching calls. I also offer online courses and am the author of the Back In The Sack sex after kids workbook.
insightconnection.uk
@insightandconnection on Insta and Facebook
