Sex Coach Kaci: Kaci Mial

Kaci Mial, M.Ed. graduated in 2018 from Widener University with a Masters Degree in Sexuality Education and has worked in the realm of sex education and family wellness as a coach, educator, and researcher for the past ten years. Kaci offers sex coaching to individuals and couples who are looking to increase pleasure while trying to conceive, during pregnancy, and postpartum in addition to her work as an infant massage and pre/postnatal yoga instructor.

Here she answers the Mama Sex Six:

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?

Mama sex to me says there is something about sex as a mother that is just "different". Because otherwise, why not just say sex? Prior to learning about the diverse experiences of sexuality, my first thoughts about "mama sex" probably would have been something along the lines of: a mom who gave birth to her baby having sex half-asleep, "giving into" sex that isn't fully wanted but is being done to fulfill the partner, a quickie in the bathroom while kids are banging on the door. . .the list could go on. But now when you ask me what comes to mind when I hear "mama sex", it's not that the previous answers aren't true for some, but I picture badass mothers like @JetSettingJasmine and @BaeLeche_. I picture mamas I've seen enjoying pleasure, kink, sex without mom bod shaming, non-binary mothers, mothers of all abilities, ages, genders, sexualities, races, ethnicities, relationship statuses, socioeconomic status etc. I see mama sex being whatever the mama wants it to be, and that those fantasies and desires can be fulfilled without having to give up the identity of mama. Mamas can be amazing lovers to themselves, their partners, and to their children. It isn't necessary to just pick one role. You can have it all.

What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?

From my earliest memories of playing with baby dolls, to babysitting, to watching my nieces, nephews, and babies around me grow up, the role of mother always resonated with me. I remember flipping through pregnancy books especially as I became a case manager for young pregnant mothers and noticing the lack of information about sex in the books. The majority of the books I had access to either did not cover the topic of sex or if they did it was something very quick and simple such as, "Sex is typically safe during pregnancy but always consult with a medical provider first. After birth wait until your 6 week check-up". And what I found is that this information just wasn't sufficient. It wasn’t sufficient for me as a professional trying to share information with my clients and certainly not for me as someone who wanted to become a mom one day.

So much is going on when becoming someone's parent emotionally, physically, and spiritually that there is no way one sentence is going to cover it. When it came to the young mothers I worked with it was as if some people wanted to ignore the fact that sex is how their baby got here. I think mothers in general, but especially young mothers, have a stigma around them that says, “Sex may have been how your baby got here but pleasure is not for you”. And if pleasure is not for the mother, who is it for? I saw this belief play out in horrible ways whether we are talking about lack of consent, trauma, STI's, unwanted or unplanned pregnancies, suicide ideation, and perinatal mood disorders. When you are told you don’t deserve pleasure, when you are told that you do not have agency or control over your body, or that sex is bad you can’t expect to have the best outcomes. When I saw this happening to young women I cared deeply for and how it not only impacted them but their relationship with their children and those around them, I knew we needed a different approach. I set out on a path for grad school and set a goal to learn how to make inclusive education and books about sex and parenthood. And here I am as a sex educator and coach still working toward making that dream come true. I also offer pre/postnatal yoga and infant massage classes for parents to connect back with the body and to learn healthy ways to practice consent and bonding with the baby. Along the way I have also learned this is not only my dream but there are books, educators, therapists, artists, scholars, etc. who have this same passion as I do, but there is always room for more. We need people who are ready to change the narrative.

In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?

There are so many hurdles that mothers I have worked with face in terms of their sexuality. I think a big one to start with is shame and guilt. Mothers are shamed for almost everything (ie. when they decide to have children, how many children should they have, are they allowed to have an abortion, are they married before having children, what age they have children at, are they going to work, are they going to stay at home, will they breastfeed, will they get on birth control, etc). For some mamas, these opinions add an immense amount of pressure to live up to certain standards which not only impacts one's sense of their sexual self and autonomy but also their self esteem, and mental/physical/emotional health. And while as a mother you can really have it all, sometimes the pathway to that is throwing everyone’s advice out of the window and focusing in on what is really important to you as a mother for you and your family.

Other barriers mamas I’ve worked with face are being too tired for sex, having a partner who wants sex more or less often than they do, feeling like they don’t have time for sex, feeling pressure to have sex during pregnancy or after birth before they are ready, trying to navigate getting back into sex after having a baby, body image concerns, birth trauma, perinatal mood disorders (depression, anxiety, OCD, psychosis), pregnancy or infant loss, how racism is disproportionately impacting birth outcomes for Indigenous and Black birthing persons, and how pleasure is impacted by trauma such as sexual assault or interpersonal violence. With young mothers I have worked with, many wonder how to seek pleasure when their priorities are getting back into school, taking care of their baby, managing doctors appointments, and facing the stigma that they are too young to be having sex.

What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?

So many people are having sex yet for many, sex is difficult to even talk about. I believe this adds to the barriers mothers have because they do not know who they can talk to or that help is available and accessible to them. I wish society at large knew that mothers can be an amazing nurturing parent and a sexually satisfied human being at the same time. Where we currently fail mothers is expecting them to turn off any sexual energy the moment they become pregnant. I believe the “Madonna/Whore Complex” gives people the idea that one can only be sexual or a respectable woman when in reality we are much more complex beings than we are given credit for.

We also fail mothers by expecting them to be the same person they were before children. Many things change with children and it is okay to adapt. Some mothers do not have adequate access to the resources and rest they need after children. Mothers need support, accurate information about parenting and sexuality so they can make informed choices, to be believed when they share their stories, and to be listened to and supported by medical providers, partners, family, friends, etc.

What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?

For anyone trying to conceive, adopt, currently pregnant, recently given birth, or if you have been a parent for many years and lost your sexuality somewhere along the way, there are resources for you and people who believe an amazing sex life is still possible for you.

For those who are trying to conceive, remember to focus on play, pleasure, and not stressing even when these things feel impossible and out of reach. I wish someone told me how difficult it can be for some people to get pregnant and how even when you are aware of this fact it can impact your sex life. It is easy to get caught up in tracking your ovulation days, timing sex, using ovulation predictor kits (OPK’s), taking your temperature, and trying to control your outcome that you forget to focus on pleasure. Find out how you can balance both. Some things that have worked for me have been using my rose quartz dildo (Chakrub) as part of my fertility meditations, not obsessing over needing to have sex as soon as I get a positive OPK, remembering to trust the journey because no matter how much we try parenthood, pregnancy, and birth is not predictable, remembering that my partner is a person not a sperm machine (as much as I would like for him to be one right now) and trying to connect in ways that are fun, pleasurable, and exciting even when it’s hard to make that the focus. There are many paths available to become a mama.

For those currently pregnant who want to still experience pleasure, I would say be open to being creative and also know that it is okay to set boundaries. For some, pregnancy hormones create a huge surge of desire while others are dreading sex because they are suffering from morning sickness or other complications. Every journey is unique and this might fluctuate over the course of your pregnancy. Learn what feels good for you and go with that. You may want to try new positions, toys, or aftercare. Partners may be fearful that certain sexual activities could be harmful to you or the baby and face their own set of sexual concerns and challenges. Check in with a medical provider to find out what activities are available to you right now and follow up with a sex coach to work through a customized action plan for you and/or partners.

For those who have recently given birth remember that sex does not need to be penetration, it can be connecting through massage, kissing, oral sex, a foot rub, dancing, cuddling, etc. When we broaden our idea of what sex is, we can begin to find creative ways to experience pleasure. Sometimes a sleepy mama’s self pleasure for the day is taking a shower or maybe it is really enjoying a piece of food or fruit that you love and taking a few seconds to notice how it smells, tastes, and feels. For partners during this time period finding ways to be supportive and also self pleasure might be important. It is important to not assume what your partner does or doesn’t want during this time and to keep communicating. You don’t need to rush to penetration. Some parents have sex before the 6 week postpartum check up, some right when they get provider clearance, and for some sex is the furthest thing from their mind for up to a year or longer. You are all normal. Offer yourself some grace and understanding during this time. And when you do try penetration, remember lube is your friend :).

Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?

@ShanBoody

@SexDocCarli

@TeyanaTaylor

@Misss_Sassy_Pants

@SexPositiveFamilies

@MankoFit_

@JetSettingJasmine

@LexxSexDoc

@Goodmoms_badchoices

@BaeLeche_

@TheIntimacyFirm

@MelinatedMoms

@EstherP_Rivers

@MirandaBrooke_

@CristinaWombWhisperer

@TheLaborMami

@ParteraMidwifery

@Single.Mom.Nutritionist

@BabiesAfter35

@MerakiMamaCollective

@gabunion

Kaci Mial offers the following services:

• I offer 1:1 individual coaching sessions along with sessions for couples who would like to discuss increasing pleasure before, during, or after pregnancy.

You can support my work by following me on Instagram @SexCoachKaci or joining the email list on SexCoachKaci.com.

@SexCoachKaci

@BalBabyMassage