Kate Moyle Therapy: Kate Moyle

Written By Sarah Forbes
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Kate Moyle is an Accredited Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist & Certified Psycho-Sexologist. She hosts the The Sexual Wellness Sessions Podcast, which normalises the conversation around sex and relationships, and each episode is an informative but informal insight into a different area of sexual wellness and wellbeing.

Here she answers the “The Mama Sex Six”:

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?

Change and identity. We aren't taught that our sex lives go through phases, changes and stages and if we were then it would be easier to accept when we experience a shift in our sexual lives as we might do when we become a mother. Identity, that in some way becoming a 'mama' ( in whatever that is it doesn't have to be through pregnancy and childbirth but could be through surrogacy, adoption, fostering ) can change how we see ourselves and others see us. This change in our lives and priorities can shift our personal context and this can impact our sexual sense of self.

What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?

The fact that I feel that it's a topic that's left out of the conversation and that shame thrives in silence.
I have worked with and spoken to so many women have struggled with their sex lives as a part of trying to conceive, childbirth and being a parent and if we had a more open and accepting conversation around this topic, then that normalising alone would reduce the amount of people having difficulties in their sex lives and relationships.

In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?

Expectations. I believe that the unrealistic expectations that we hold ourselves too - particularly when it comes to sex can cause so many struggles and challenges. With these expectations we experience our reality differently, or in comparison to what we think it 'should' be like; and this can lead us not to be in the moment or appreciate what our normal is, as we feel it doesn't match up to the 'norm' of others. Combined with not-good-enough sex education that leaves huge gaps in our knowledge and understanding of sex lives.

What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?

That there isn't a standard that we should all judge ourselves by and against, and that everyone has their own process and timeline. We are too quick to praise women for 'bouncing back', and what we can then create is pressure on women to be a certain way. We also aren't open enough about discussing maternal mental health and this feeds into body confidence issues and anxieties. We should be teaching women ( of all ages ) how to know their body better, recognise and pay attention to changes and ask for help when they need, not project an image of everyone else constantly having it all worked out. This all impacts how we feel sexually too, and things like sexual pain and hormonal changes that can happen particularly at the start of motherhood can dramatically impact our sex lives not just immediately, but on an ongoing basis - we need to educate everyone, not just women on how to manage these transitional periods of their lives.

What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?

Get creative. Sex is not all about PIV ( penis in vagina penetration ) sex. It's about pleasure, play, experience, connection, fun but all the focus is on one sexual act and that alongside being very heteronormative, does everyone a disservice. Some mothers ( and fathers ) can experience a sense of touch overload, especially if they are breastfeeding, and this can make sexual contact feel a bit too much or overwhelming; but understanding these feelings can help to normalise them. Taking the pressure off sex creates more space for connection. So in your relationship with both yourself and your partner allow adult touch, communicate clearly and focus your attention on each other - this can help you to both meet your emotional needs too.
My top three ingredients for a satisfying sex life are communication, curiosity and lube.

I wish someone had told me : Not to expect, but just to gently and slowly see how you go. Only from working in the sexuality space and with post-natal professionals did I find out that breastfeeding can cause vaginal atrophy, which can make sex painful; and that there is an easy solution - lubricant. That should be common knowledge and I have made it my mission to tell every single expectant woman I know.

Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?

@candicebrathwaite
@mother_pukka
@carlyrowena
@the_gp_mum
@ClareBournePhysio
@TheSexDoctor
@TheObGynMum
@DrNaomiSutton
@Outspokensexedforparents - Yoan Reed

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Sarah Forbes www.curatorofsex.com
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