The Happy Vagina Project: Sofia Ashley

Sofia Ashley is the founder of the Happy Vagina Project. She is a certified sexuality coach and sex educator, mother, step-mother, feminist and entrepreneur. She is passionate about supporting mothers to reclaim their sex lives and themselves to become the parents, partners and people they want to be.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?

Funnily enough I think of a sexy mama - and by that I mean an empowered mama who is full of joy, deeply connected to who she is, present in her life, awake and alive to her partner and her kids. She knows how to set strong boundaries, ask for what she wants, and truly believe she is deserving of all that she desires. She is a fully expressed human, vibrant and on fire. 

What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?

I’ve been giving sex advice since before I was even having sex and spent most of my 20s at war with my vagina on the epic search for the grand orgasm. After I started to put the pieces of the puzzle together for myself I knew I needed to teach what I was learning to support other women.

One big thing that I learned on my journey is that as women our sense of identity is strongly linked to our bodies and how we feel in them. How we feel about our bodies and in our bodies says a lot about how we feel about sex and how much we enjoy it. The more I learned the more I started to put the pieces together that when we experience large shifts in identity - like menarche, our first sexual experience, motherhood, menopause, career changes, or life altering situations  - we experience changes in our sexuality.

When I became a step-mother and then a mother myself I experienced these shifts and knew I needed to refine my work to support mothers. There are so few people out there talking about sex in the first year, and beyond. It’s yet another missing piece of the village that women used to have.

I really wanted to fill that gap and let women know  -  you are not broken, there are reasons your libido has shifted, we CAN it better, and you deserve it. You deserve your pleasure.

In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?

The mothers I work with are primarily struggling to feel sexy in their new post-baby body, and to feel connected to their sexual desire. They no longer see themselves as sexual beings with a sexual appetite and so this part of themselves struggles to find breathing room in their lives.

This overlaps with the mother as martyr culture we have - where we are taught to put everyone’s needs and desires before our own - and to discount our own need for pleasure and joy. Motherhood is joyful, but to make it the only source of joy in our world is to limit the fullest expression of who we are. 

I also see women really struggling with long-held beliefs that their pleasure is for their partner. They feel trapped under the guilt of not meeting his needs, or pleasing him and worry that his eyes will wander if they don’t “get it together”.

I am constantly working to support women to find what Esther Perel calls your “erotic autonomy” - that sense that your sexual pleasure is for you first.  You can’t give something with a whole heart if you never felt it was yours in the first place. As women we are often taught that our sexuality and our bodies are owed to other people. Shaking this belief is a challenge but reclaiming our sexuality for our own is how we revive our sexual connection with our partner. 

What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?

There is so much wrong with the way society views sexuality and motherhood - from the ways we control a woman’s right to choose, and the dangers that racialized women face in delivery rooms. This is all linked to our sexuality. We are controlled and objectified even through our pregnancies. Once we do deliver our babies we cease to be sexual beings. Our complaints about painful intercourse or lack of desire are trivialized and then we are stereotyped as frigid.

Humans are sexual beings. Sex is not just for baby making - it’s for pleasure. We must honor that our sexuality is at the core of who we are - give women the right to choose what happens to their body, what happens during their delivery, and what happens in their bedrooms after their kids arrive.

I want all mamas to know that their deepest intuition, their greatest joy, and their truest power are found in their connection to their sexual selves. Unleashing that unleashes your inner awesome on the world - and who doesn’t want that.

What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?

Your sex life is like every other part of your life after you become a mother - it transforms completely. The more you cling to a return to your pre-baby - body, work, life, sexuality - the more a new, evolved version of these things will elude you.

Grieve and let go of the past. 

Make peace. With your new body, your new hormones, your new schedule, your new priorities, your new relationship. 

Be curious about what’s emerging.. Take this as an opportunity to rediscover yourself, and your relationship to build a sex life that you desire with intention. It may sound or feel like effort at first but new habits and new tools will become natural over time. 

Be playful. A return to joy, to desire, and to flow will never lead you wrong - in or out of the bedroom.

Finally, really and truly, put yourself and your relationship first. I’ve had a hard time mastering this one myself - especially as a first time mom. If you want to be married 25 years from now you need to invest in your connection with yourself as a human, as a girlfriend, as a wife, and you need to invest in your relationship. 

Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?

• @thelindsaywolf (Instagram)

• @thevaginablog (Instagram)

• @sincerelyonyi (Instagram)

• @Matermea (Instagram)

Services Sofia offers :

1:1 coaching to mamas looking to reclaim their sexual self and take back the bedroom.

You can also check out her Sex After Kids Masterclass - a self study program designed to get you back in the sack after baby.

@thehappyvproject (instagram) Facebook/thehappyvproject www.thehappyvaginaproject.com