Poet : Hollie McNish

Hollie McNish is a poet based between Glasgow and Cambridge, UK. She won the Ted Hughes Award for New Work in Poetry for her poetic parenting memoir – Nobody Told Me - of which The Scotsman stated ‘The World Needs this Book’. She has published three further collections of poetry – Papers, Cherry Pie, Plum – a play relating the history of UK women’s football – Offside – and her latest poetic memoir – Slug...and other things I’ve been Told To Hate – is a Sunday Times Bestseller. She has just completed a re-imagining of Sophocles’ Greek Tragedy Antigone. She loves writing, amongst other things she loves to do.

 Here she answer the Mama Sex Six:

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?

I wondered what this meant at first being British! So in my head, I’ve translated it to ‘mum sex’ and immediately had three fairly competing visions. Firstly, the six week post-birth check up at which my stitches were checked and I was told ‘it’s ok to have sex again’. I hadn’t asked and by sex, it was sex with my male partner that I was being told was ok now. It was genuinely one of the lowest points of new motherhood.

I remember thinking ‘is that all this check up was for? To see if I can get back to pleasing my partner?’. No-one mentioned any other activity. Was it ok for me to masturbate again? Was it ok to have oral sex? Would the muscle movement of an orgasm affect the stitches? Was it ok to ride a bike or trampoline or jog or go swimming? Zilch. I was purely told that my vagina (my mind was ignored in this) was ‘ok’ - not good, not yes totally ready - but ‘ok’ to go back to pleasing a penis. I felt like utter shit for a while after that.

The second thing I thought of was how, after birth, I realised I’d rarely, if ever, seen a mother’s body in any tv or film sex scene and how my body, this body I now had after doing one of the most incredible and excrutiating things it’s ever done, was now seemingly redundant in sex scenes. The only acception to this being porn, where milf is one of the most popular searches, though how many of the actors are actually mums is unclear.

Thirdly, was the fear I had having sex with a new partner years after becoming a mum, because, as ridiculous as this may sound, the man had never had sex with a ‘mum’ before and in my head that was a big deal. I was utterly petrified that he’d not have any appreciation for where my lines or marks had come from and simply find my body, I don’t know, off-putting compared to the other partners he had had, none of which had had kids. It was entirely unfounded and I’m pretty sure again stems from the lack of any marks of motherhood (other than the ‘blooming pregnant woman’ in the media portrayal of sex and sexiness.

What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?

I’ve always written my diary in poems. Since I was a teenager. I write mostly about what is happening to me or what I’m reading or thinking or learning about. I also often write to clear my head or work out feelings I’m finding overwhelming. To simplify. So, as soon as I was pregnant, I wrote more, because there was so much to write about; so much that was confusing or frustrating me and which I didn’t feel I could talk about because it seemed, from the posters and adverts and medical leaflets about the beautiful smiling pregnant woman or the happy breastfeeding mum staring lovingly at her child, all wearing white cotton t-shirts, that everyone was finding this easy and gorgeous all the time! All of the physical issues aside, I think the psychological effect of being pregnant and then not pregnant, is immense. Dealing with such a huge change in your body over such a short space of time and all this with the social media onslaught of the ‘get your body back’ bullshit aimed at new parents. It was an incredible and horrendous journey and so, I guess, after that doctor’s appointment when, looking at my vagina, I was essentially told I was ‘ok’ for sex, it just made me furious; and incredibly sad. So, again, I wrote about it in my diaries a lot.

In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?

I think it depends on the mother. Or maybe that’s the problem, that mothers are now all being lumped into one homogoneous ‘mum’ category, all previous personalities and sexual preferences stripped away. In terms of poetry and literature specifically, I think it is likely still this age old idea that writing about motherhood isn’t really and proper literary subject compared to subjects like, I don’t know, war or murder or a guy writing about how beautiful a woman he fancies is. Obviously, poets like Mary Angelou and Sylvia Plath and Kim Addonizio and on and on, have been disproving this for years, but it stills seems to stick; especially the more physical things which can affect ‘mum sex’, like bleeding, and scarring and prolapse and....well, you get it.

What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?

That being a mother is one role; it is not the person. No matter how much motherhood might define someone or their life, it is still not your entire being. So to speak of the sexuality of ‘mothers’, to me, is not really possible. It’s like saying ‘what sort of sex do people who work in a supermarket like’ or ‘what defines the sexuality of accountants’.

What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?

Yes. Your body is your body. Let it heal after birth. It has done something incredible and often traumatic. The official ‘after-care’ will likely be shit and the pressure to prove you can do everything you could do before will be immense but you need to let you skin and stitches and vulva and vagina walls and womb and mind heal so take it as easy as you can. Do not stand up too much if you can help it. And do not rush into sexual things to please someone else. Do things that feel nice and that your body wants. I guess this is for everyone, not just new mums.

Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?

Jackie Kay – She’s one of my favourite poets

Scummy Mummies – if you are feeling overwhelmed by social media’s depiction of the beautiful nurseries and ‘perfect’ family portrait.

thislakshmi – she’s one of my favourite painters

More About Hollie:

I write poems and books and I read them out loud to people who want me to.

Instagram - @holliepoetry

Facebook - /holliepoetry

Twitter - @holliepoetry