Sheila Starr Siani
Sheila has been drawn to the sensual powers of Femininity and sex since she can remember. It started with a secret stripteases for her mirror and stealing the sexy reads from her father's top bookshelf and has resulted in her seducing audiences around the world through her work in striptease and burlesque as well as teaching other women to harness the same power of seduction from within . As a healer (massage therapy) and as mother, she advocates for other parents to allow themselves to continue to live a a fulfilled life beyond their children's wellbeing.
Here she answers the Mama Sex Six:
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?
My honest to goodness FIRST first place my mind goes when I think "mama sex" is about the time my oldest daughter walked in on me, mid-climax, ride 'em cowgirl style... not even discreet.
I still haven't really discerned just how this phrase makes me think or feel... I became a mom so young, that my sexuality and sex never had to CHANGE, I discovered it while momming. Sex talk was part of my growing up, and my mom was actually a bit promiscuous, so I never had this idea that moms are SUPPOSED to be virginal. I suppose mama sex to ME is about continuing to explore and play with your sex and sensuality guilt free. ... tho, I'm sure I'll develop more thoughts as I really take this in.
What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?
This work has just come to me, I did not seek it out. I have always done sexy work I was teaching sensual movement classes in a studio geared for women over 30, and many of those women were also moms. My open nature and general comfort with the sex topic has always made it easy for me to address anything that comes up. I use to be the queen of TMI, shamelessly doling out tips and tricks about all things to do with the female body.
In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?
TIME, SPACE, and REST for mind, spirit, and body!!! Connecting with their partners. Feeling cared for and supported. Feeling comfortable, let alone, sexy with their new bodies. post-natal trauma. Feeling like their bodies belong to them and can enjoy themselves.
So much of this has to deal with having the chance to recuperate and reset. You are allowed to have your own routine and time to play and imagine and muse, Getting dressed up is so underestimated... Like, not even dressed up, just DRESSED... with however much hair, makeup, and accessories that you see fit to meet the day with. Having girl-time is so necessary, taking breaks and trips away. Allowing the kid to cry, or be unsatisfied some of the time. Requiring your partner, if you have one, to take some of the shifts. Allow your friends and family to help you. Don't say no, and don't feel guilty (this part is still hard for me). But I was so blessed with love and naivety with my first one.
These needs are no different than for any person on this planet, we all have a human right to all the joy and peace, how ever that comes, within societal limits. Sex and sensuality are part of that. When I was teaching in the studio, I was there 5 days a week giving women space, time, guidance, and permission to indulge in themselves. These women ranged from moms to not moms, 19- 75, size zero to ... I don't even know what is considered large size clothing, but you get my point. Even men and every gender in between deserve their peace and joy, and to be loved and cared for.
It's interesting because now that my girls are older (21 and 9) and as my friends are beginning to have children, I am discovering that ritual and routine are missing from my grown-up life... and that is what my girlfriends are lamenting the loss of; the ability to be the person fully in charge of your schedule.
I was 19 when I got pregnant with the first of my two children. I am the oldest of eight kids, so I was not scared by the idea of taking care of small children, that was already my life. Then add that I was the first in my "generational layer"... I had no choice but to have help. My sisters, parents, grandparents, aunties, everybody took the baby and I had plenty of time to let loose, explore, date, fuck. I traveled, studied, made a career. In terms of routine, that was... IS harder for me...this is in part who I am and part the fact that I never developed a routine based on my own guidance. I have always been a master of making something out of whatever the hell I had in front of me.
For parents, and especially the mother, most of the time, there are some hard truths you have to come to grips with: Accept that your life has changed, but that this change is temporary and IT WILL GET BETTER! Accept that you chose this for your life. Accept that it is sometimes hard, but [can be] so so so rewarding. Accept that you chose to do this with this particular partner.
What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?
Moms are sexual!! That's how most of us got here. It's important to understand that reproduction and sex touch each other, intimately, but they are not the same. Understanding how to work the parts of us we have control over is so important. We need to bring back Red Tents (a reference to the book, though not historically accurate, plays on a concept found in some old societies where the women were gathered in one place for menstruation and birth). and other ways to teach our children about sex, sexuality, and their sex organs. I guess I'm saying that we need to start talking to our kids, male and female, about this part of our humaness with some real life experience and vulnerabilty.
This new, hot mom revolution has me sitting with so many mixed feelings. Like, on one hand, it's great. I LOVE seeing motherhood normalized AND sexually charged... but... like... it doesn't always have to be so over the top. Sex and sexy doesn't always look like Cardi B. It can be that you put on sexy panties that day, and no one else knows.
What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?
Foreplay starts when you wake up in the morning.
Allow yourself to feel sexy once a week. Hand the baby over, plop the kids in front of the tv, drop them to gramma, whatever it is, start with 30min a week.
YOU AND YOUR SENSUAL EXPRESSION MATTERS!
My dad told me so many times after having my kids, "It's not about you anymore." He was wrong. It's about you being the best example of a human you can be, and allowing the grace for where ever your shortcomings lie. Thank goodness I had a big support system outside of him to reinforce otherwise.
About 5 years ago, I was backstage at the London Burlesque Festival, and the producer's wife (and fellow performer) was running around backstage with their 6-month old strapped to her... I LOVED it and I told her... Her response was brilliant: Babies come into OUR lives, we do not go into THEIRS. Damn brilliant!
Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?
My wifey, actress, burlesque starlet, Miss Monica May- IG: @missmayburlesque
Katie Vigos, Nurse, prenatal warrior and owner of @empoweredbirthproject
The Naked Yoga Goddess: Bringing Sacredness to Nakedness @nakedyogadoddess
Sheila has the current irons in the fire;
The Sensual Mother project, birthed with fellow performer Miss May, blends meditation, self love and movement in order to explore and keep up our deep sensuality, creative energy, and feminine power even thru the sometmes chaos of kids and hormones. Online movement classes will begin in the new year over my website... I am being strongly pulled to public service life.
Additional projects: #fallingat40
www.sheilastarrsiani.com
IG: @sheila.starr.siani / @fallingat40
Twitter: @sheilatempter
