The Wicked Jade
The Wicked Jade is an ordinary woman - an ambitious business lawyer, a divorcee, a single mother of two, and a lingerie and sex blogger. In other words, an expert plate-spinner, pulled in many directions. After the end of a long marriage, she decided to become a sexual adventuress, experimenting widely and learning about sexuality in all its forms. All this called for great outfits and eye-popping underwear, which she felt was a shame not to share with the world. She started blogging on Instagram about lingerie and fashion to project her acceptance of herself as a middle-aged woman with many facets and desires.
This alter ego, which celebrates a “Bring your whole self to work” attitude, which in WJ’s world means creating a look for herself that transitions from boardroom to bedroom or a mash up of ordinary and erotic style, has led to photographic and brand collaborations, articles, podcasts and speaking engagements. Balancing the roles of business professional, mother and erotic agent, she is always negotiating the cultural taboo of “how much can a woman be taken seriously if she reveals too much of herself?”
Here she answers the Mama Sex Six:
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?
The experience of many women is that sex takes a back seat in the early years of mothering. It’s almost a joke to talk with new mums about the total absence of sex, sex drive or even, attraction to one’s partner. The books tell you it’s normal and that it will all come back when the stresses of parenting subside, but the burden of parenting never subsides. Motherhood creates a drag on our sexuality.
If we don’t consciously decide to engage with our sexuality, the rot quickly sets in and our sexual desire withers into a dry leaf. The challenge of raising children together creates a vector of potential conflict and disagreement. There are so many decisions to make, each decision point exposing either alignment or incompatibility in the couple. We stop seeing each other as the hot, exciting, sexy, pre-parent individuals that once inflamed our loins.
Many women complain that their sex drive has just dropped off. But in many cases, it’s not the sex drive that’s gone; it’s the excitement and adventure in that partnership that has gone. How else do you explain why affairs happen in this period?
Take a woman who meets a new partner who sees her with fresh eyes and tells her things that make her feel wanted again – I guarantee her sex drive will come roaring back. Motherhood didn’t kill her sex drive. Her sex drive retreated because her partner saw her only as a mother.
Mama needs to reclaim her position as Woman. She needs a reminder to start advocating for her needs as a woman and taking charge of her arousal. This sometimes means disengaging from her role as mother and caregiver to create the mental space to feel sexy and empowered.
What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?
My marriage ended when my children were 4 and 7 years old. Parenting exposed the faultlines in our relationship. My divorce launched my new self, my Version 2.0 (which is tattoed on my back). I was determined never to put up with being unhappy or unsatisfied again. Every day would be one motherfucking carpe diem. I resolved to start doing new things that I had always longed to do, say “Yes” to things where I’d previously said “No”. My confidence grew as I started to enjoy the power of my sensuality. Feeling empowered = feeling sexy. I’ve had plenty of sexual adventures and even more beautiful connections with lovers, and I continue to be astounded at how my body continues to augment its capacity for pleasure with each year that I age. I’ve spoken at events and written about the topic of sexuality, telling women that they should never have to put up with an unsatisfactory sex life. I convey to them the truth that sexuality and your body’s experience of sex is not static. It’s like a plant: it grows and blossoms if you feed and water it, but it withers if you neglect to nurture it.
I’m not an “sexpert” or a therapist, or someone who has any professional interest in talking about sex, but through sharing my truth, I get a lot of people asking for advice, for which I am ill-qualified to dispense, since I speak only for myself.
In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?
Women are socialised to be nurturing and to care for others. Becoming a mother seals in that expectation. Society dumps on mothers in so many ways: in the workplace, in family expectations, in our own internalised attitudes. Role models are few and don’t always speak to us, so we lack a blueprint of how to have a healthy connection with our sexuality whilst remaining mothers. We are also living through a period of time which could be called the Cult of the Child. We agonise over parenting in ways that previous generations never did. Remember that the period of childhood is transient. The child will always be your child, but never sublimate yourself for the sake of the child because it will grow up and away from you, as it should. My friend and mother of 10, Danusia Malina-Derben, told me that she once said to her daughter: “Darling, I love you, but I love me more.” A powerful reminder that the woman needs to thrive for longer than the mother. Don’t ever allow motherhood to supplant your womanhood.
What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?
Society expects women to be sexy creatures, until we become mothers, when we are expected to dial back the ‘sexy’. As mothers, we have duties and obligations which weigh heavily on our ability to be sensual and sexual. The great thing about birthing a child is that a woman can lose self-consciousness about her body and becomes more intimately acquainted with it. She gets comfortable with not being fully in control of her body’s responses, which allows her to let go more. Her body changes, sometimes permanently, and in some cases, becomes a vessel that is capable of experiencing more pleasure. This is certainly my experience.
There is also a myth about women and sexual desire; that we are inherently less horny than men. That we use sex to barter for other things like relationships and connection. That sex is a gift we give to men but that we don’t actually crave daily orgasms. My personal opinion is that is bullshit. We may be less promiscuous but that’s often because promiscuity carries inherently greater risks for us. If we didn’t have the primary burden of being the caregivers and nurturers, if we didn’t worry about the judgment of others, or the risk of violence, many of us would be giving in to sexual urges as much as most men.
What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?
After having kids, your body changes, and your response to arousal changes. In my case, it showed me that I had enormous untapped potential to enjoy sex much more. I’m not sure whether it’s physiological or it comes from feeling liberated from certain expectations, or whether children have a tendency to focus your priorities. I made it my priority to demand more from sexual partners, and to make sure I got my needs met, in ways that I couldn’t articulate when I was younger. Now I’m peri-menopausal and all the horror stories of drying up and losing desire have not materialised. I’m still as horny and wet as I have always been.
The biggest piece of advice to mothers is to make sure their relationship works and is giving you what you need. A bad relationship will drain all desire and sexiness from out of both parties, at least for each other! And if you realise the relationship is bad, don’t stay because of the children. Get out whilst they are young! That’s the best piece of advice I could give to anyone! Above all, be more selfish, be more demanding, when it comes to fulfilling your sexual needs. No woman should be having bad sex. Use your words to ask for (more) good sex.
Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?
Danusia Malina-Derben, who runs School for Mothers podcast, and has oodles of wisdom from raising 10 children.
Yvadney Davies, of @mumsthatslay. Stylist, artist and event promoter.
