Yoni Mapping Therapist + Sex Educator / Coach: Freya Graf
Freya Graf is a Yoni Mapping Therapist and Sex Educator and Coach from Australia. Her passion is educating, uplifting and empowering women and those who want to learn how to love them better.
Here she answers the Mama Sex Six:
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?
Grieving. I automatically think of how many clients have come to me after birth for some help reconnecting with themselves as sexual beings again after their body has been through such a change. They hardly recognise themselves, their genitals often look and feel different, and their autonomy has been taken away since becoming a mother so they are often going through a grieving process for the version of themselves pre-motherhood that they have lost. Obviously they have gained so much in becoming a mother too, it's just a tough adjustment period for many.
What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?
Motherhood is just about the most important role you can play in life, in my opinion, and sexuality plays such a big role in a woman's wellbeing and the way she moves in the world. Both of these topics have always fascinated and drawn me in, and now I get to see how they interplay through working with many mothers on their sexuality. Sexuality is at the core of everything; it's the source of life, creativity, and true expression. It can be utterly healing, fulfilling and transformational, just like birth and motherhood, and yet in both cases there prevails much misinformation, a lack of correct or empowering education, and stigma. My mission is to help change this and educate and support women so that they not only embody and own their sexual identities and expression, but pass down these sex positive and healthy attitudes about sex to their children through role modelling what a sexually fulfilled and empowered woman looks like.
In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?
Exhaustion and time poverty! Simply finding the time and privacy can be the biggest hurdle for mothers when it comes to their sexuality! Not only that but they are also quite often bone tired to the point where they have absolutely no energy left for sexy times! This is only the start of the problem though, because the ramifications of this diminished capacity or opportunity for sex means that a lot of mothers end up feeling guilty for not being more available to their partners. They can feel like a failure as a woman or wife, worry that they are broken or something is wrong with them because they no longer want sex, and will often end up doing it just for their partner's sake and therefore not enjoying it or feeling empowered and nourished by it.
To add to this, they are being constantly touched day in, day out by their little ones. whereas before they may have craved touch, now they feel over-touched! Their bodies don't feel like they belong to them anymore, considering they have just played host to another human who took over their womb for 9 months, and who now occupies their nipples and their laps, their arms and their beds. It can be very hard to feel like a juicy, wild and free sexual woman once you become a Mum!
The difficulties mothers can face with simply switching off and relaxing enough to enjoy sexual intimacy is also a common issue. They are always on duty, always listening out for a cry or feeling a tug at their skirt. When they do actually find some privacy and carve out some time to connect with their partner they often have trouble calming their nervous systems down enough to enter deep states of arousal and pleasure.
These factors wane as the children get older of course, but then a difficulty that mothers can face is to reconnect with their sexuality once it has lain dormant for a period of time and now that their bodies and relationships have changed as a result of becoming a parent.
These are the most common issues that I hear about from clients with children.
What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?
Just because you become a mother doesn't exclude you from the category of sexually active, sexually appealing, sexually expressive women! There can be a misconception that once you become a Mum you have to put aside all of your former interests or passions (like the sexually expressive side of yourself) in order to be a "good mother". This misconception piggybacks on the age-old belief that to be a mother you have to make sacrifices and always put your children first. that you are a different person once you become a mother. That you can no longer do things for your own enjoyment or pleasure and instead submit to being a self sacrificing, people pleaser. To be too sexually fulfilled or driven would be selfish and irresponsible as a mother! This attitude is just so darn old fashioned, but echoes of it still prevail and continue to insidiously permeate the cultural climate around motherhood.
Society needs to accept that mothers are still sexy-ass babes, who deserve pleasure and sexual fulfillment more than anyone else! They've bloody earned it, and it's also healthy and important for them to maintain this side of their identity alongside motherhood for their own sanity and personal happiness. Motherhood and sexuality are not mutually exclusive. Mums are hot! And often they really like sex! How does anyone think they became mums in the first place!?
What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?
Don't lose yourself to motherhood. Never has it been so important to nurture the sides of yourself that make you YOU, and that fill your own cup. You will be a better mum for it if you maintain strong boundaries around your "you time" and make sure you're creating time to spend intimately with your partner (or yourself). This may seem impossible to some, and in the early stages of a baby's life, for sure, it's tough and sometimes not doable for a time. However, as soon as you can bring in a babysitter, friend, relative or grandparent to give you a regular occasion where you can go off duty and explore being a couple (or solo sexual being) again. It's so important to hang on to this aspect of your life and relationship, and even if you don't have sex but instead just cuddle or eye gaze, smooch and stroke or take a bath together, it's all valuable stuff! Don't put pressure on yourself to actually have sex, but DO put aside time that creates space for it and use this time to just be adults for a while, not parents.
Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?
@badassmotherbirther
@royalmothering
@sexpositivefamilies
@theorgasmicmama
@the_erotic_alchemist
@coach_comet
@elisesavaresse
@lackofimpulsecontrol
More Information on Yoni Mapping from Freya:
Yoni Mapping Therapy is a unique healing modality for women, by women. It includes a combination of talk therapy, sex education and coaching, homeplay practices, full body massage, pelvic and abdominal massage, external and internal vaginal massage and mapping. It's a gentle, nurturing and empowering approach to working with a woman's body and sexuality. There's rarely a time when we are touched in these intimate areas that aren't either medical or sexual - both of which are usually very goal driven and can feel disempowering for a woman because something is being done to us, or expected of us.
YMT is neither of these things, and instead sits in the middle as a safe, therapeutic container in which there is no goal and nothing expected of the woman, and nothing being done to her without her being in complete control.
In this non-judgemental, shame-free container she is facilitated to explore and get to know her sexuality and her vagina, and release old beliefs, trauma, pain patterns, conditioning, tension, blockages and shame.
YMT can be especially helpful for soon to be mothers to help prepare them for birth, call in the baby they want to conceive, release tension from their pelvic floor and read it for labour, learn how to release tension and stretch the perineum themselves or with a partner in the lead up to birth, and feel informed and empowered about their bodies capacity to do this amazing thing!
It is also wonderful for women who have given birth before and would like some help rehabilitating their pelvic floor muscles, reconnecting to their sexual selves after becoming a mother, remediating scar tissue, and getting to know and love their bodies now that they have been through the transition of motherhood.
Services Freya Offers:
Yoni Mapping Therapy - a holistic pelvic healing modality that involves sex education/coaching, full body massage, homeplay practices/resources, external and internal yoni massage and vaginal mapping. Freya also offers sex coaching and education sessions and is currently working on an online course.
insta: @freya_graf_ymt
