The MamaSutra: Dr. Lanae St.John
Dr. Lanae St.John is a board certified sexologist, certified sex coach, and sexuality educator based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She is author of Read Me: A Parental Primer for “The Talk”. St.John has appeared on many podcasts, live talk radio shows, and is quoted frequently in articles on sites such as Oprah, Forbes, and CNN. She is the founder of The MamaSutra, a site that encourages accurate and direct education about sexuality. Follow her on social media at @themamasutra and her website www.themamasutra.com.
Here she answers the Mama Sex Six:
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase "mama sex"?
The first thing? Taboo! Mamas aren’t supposed to be sexual or want sex! I was raised in a Catholic household and so it was very clear that I was supposed to be like the Virgin Mary - a martyr, always giving (and having no boundaries as a result).
Mama sex: two things pop out - the parenting part and the acts that made us mamas
What inspired you to work/create/advocate on the topic of "mama sex"?
It was a bit of a personal thing, really. No one wanted to address the topic of sex and sexuality with me when I was growing up. I knew I wanted to do things differently; to raise my kids in a positive, sex-informed way. I didn’t want my kids to be afraid to ask me anything.
In the work I do, I help mothers so that we a) don’t unconsciously pass down to our children the pain of our parents and ancestors around sexuality, and b) help mothers unlearn poor messages about sexuality that we have all around us everyday and replace those with accurate information so they can raise healthy, happy, and safe kids.
In your work/practice/art, what are the biggest hurdles mothers are facing in terms of their sexuality?
One hurdle I notice: moms not “taking” enough for themselves, meaning they do and serve and allow access to their bodies and then they get tapped out. They benefit from pausing on all of the constant giving. I love to help guide them to figuring out what they want for themselves so they can better access their desire.
What do you think society at large should know about motherhood and sexuality? And what is society getting wrong right now in regards to it?
I think how society approaches motherhood and sexuality has gotten a little better, but I want mamas to know that they don’t need to be perfect. Society makes us think there’s a “right” way to do motherhood and it pits us against each other. Pick a topic - breast-/chestfed versus formula; vaginal birth vs c-section; stay at home moms vs career moms; etc. Mothers don’t need to demonstrate that they live Instagram curated lives. I applaud the moms who are real out here because it makes it easier for the rest of us to see ourselves in that too..
What piece of sex advice would you give mothers? Was there something you wish someone had told you?
That first year is tough; don’t let yourself get sucked into the fallacy of perfection and supermom-ism. Allow yourself to settle into your new self - don’t force yourself to some ideal so if you don’t measure up you feel like you’re already failing. And try to enjoy what you can, because this time with your babies will go very fast.
Let's amplify our voice: Who are some mamas you love following on social media?
I love the content Melissa of @sexpositivefamilies is putting out.
Also Rosalie of @consentparenting is doing tons of great abuse prevention work.
Karen of @thehippodcast is a wonderful host and so generous with her resources.
And Veronica of @empoweredandunapologetic cracks me up.
Services Lanae offers:
I do sex and relationship coaching for adults, courses for parents, I have books and workbooks for sale, and of course, free content on my website and via my monthly newsletter.
Links:
https://www.facebook.com/TheMamaSutra/
https://twitter.com/TheMamaSutra
https://www.instagram.com/themamasutra/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/themamasutra/
https://www.youtube.com/c/TheMamaSutraLSJ
And on Clubhouse @themamasutra
Lanae is also running a quiz to find out which TV/movie mom character you are in handling “The Talk”: https://quiz.themamasutra.com/sf/3d25fa7d
